Since I've been such a downer lately

Good news! The kids both got bikes they can take to summer camp and are riding up a storm. It's been really fun to see them enjoying the bikes so much and wanting to lose those training wheels ASAP. Reminds me of my own childhood sans all the skinned knees I managed to get. There is something about riding a bike or skateboard down a steep hill that says "crash here" to my brain.

I've been doing lots of research about Aspberger's syndrome as it looks more and more likely that my little J fits the criteria. One of the articles was about how to deal with tantrums--that can be triggered by anything--when your child has Aspbergers. It felt hopeful somehow to be able to at least know this is part of just who he is and how to deal with it.

That's all for now. Off to see a client.

I don't know what to do...

It's not often that I can say that, that I have no clue what to do . I've always got some kind of plan or thought about the direction to turn. With my son though, I'm at a total loss. I love him, deeply, but I don't understand him. His fears are downright baffling sometimes. He's afraid of food because he threw up once eight weeks ago. He wont eat much because he might throw up. He never gets to the point of being full because of this fear. He wont eat anything but fruit, chips, fries, and the occasional bite of peanut butter, sans bread. Imagine trying to go out to dinnner on vacation with a kid who wont eat anything on the menu.

Any change is a challenge. He cried this morning when I dropped him off for camp with a group of kids he knows because he was afraid. Of what, he didn't know. Any change throws him off. He tells me, "I just can't do it" about anything and everything and wont even try. His perfect day? Staying inside watching Disney channel eating chips and strawberries.

He also throws rages. Screaming at the top of his lungs rages. Imagine your worst day with a three year old and that's my son. At age 6. Every day. If I don't give in to him and do what he wants he rages. If things don't go according to plan, or what he thinks the plan should be, he rages. When I do give in or try to do what he wants I always do it wrong or he gets angry with me or tells me I disappointed him. Many times he'll just tell me I'm a bad mom.

It's heartbreaking, the grief of wanting your child to be "normal" and it's just not happening. Despite my fancy degree, I have no clue what to do either. I vary between crying my eyes out or frustration at the level of difficulty it places on our family life.

Every day feels like a battle.

And not one that I'm winning.

Things I learned on vacation

1. Two weeks is too long

2. Don't try to pull your children out of their routine too drastically or disaster (and emotions) will ensue

3. Don't take six year olds to fancy places to eat. They are filled with adults for a reason.

4. Drink umbrellas can be used as a weapon

5. Sunscreen is not overrated

6. If you're six years old and ask for hugs, pretty girls will give them to you

7. Living on the West Coast is hard because of the time zone difference from the East Coast.

Still puzzling that last one.

Will be glad to get back home soon.

What if?

You ever notice Facebook status updates fall into about four categories? Political statements, celebrity gossip comments, quiz results, or my family/child/husband is so amazing!!! The other night I logged on to Facebook and was inundated with first birthday party video, vacation was bliss ; and my kids are so amazing updates. I just wanted to cry.

What if your status update, if you're being totally honest wouldn't be a happy one?
What if you stopped looking at Facebook/Twitter because it just depressed you?
What if you're the only one who feels this way?
What if life isn't a Disney Channel show?
What if you stopped reading blogs because hearing about every one's perfect life just made you want to curl up in a ball and never come out?
What if you went on a two week vacation and most of it sucked?
What if your kid, the one you prayed for desperately had a mind melting tantrum(s)every day, vacation or not?
What if he yelled at you?
What if, after spending the day with him you felt assaulted and exhausted?
What if loving was the last thing on your mind, but sleep was?
What if people looked at you like A) What is wrong with that kid or B) what kind of mother is she?
What if you agreed?
What if you got told every day that you were "not nice" and a "bad mom"?
What if you wondered why you ever had kids?
What if you think not having them would have been happier?
What if you feel like crap for even thinking those thoughts?
What if you felt so alone because you did?
What if you'd tried everything and nothing worked?
What if you're a "therapist" and should have all the answers?


What if all you have are questions? And no answers?

Just status updates that in reality, are pretty fake.

What if?

The God of nature

I remember as a little girl hearing about the God of nature from my Dad's family. My grandfather said he didn't need to go to church, he could just go out into the fields and see God. I didn't grow up in church so I've always been quite similar in my own viewpoint. I'm not saying I affirm his belief about church, in fact, I find going to church to be something I need to feel nourished and connected. But, seeing God in nature, I totally get that part of his opinion.

Living in Michigan until I was twelve, I was surrounded by green all summer long. I remember catching lightening bugs in mason jars, seeing a green canopy of trees overhead, and jumping into the lake just down the road. I was outside, riding my skateboard with nary a Nintendo DS in sight. I thought it was a great way to grow up.

We moved to Texas when I was just twelve, which in case you were wondering, is a horrific time to move to a new place, new school, while starting junior high. Instead of having a garden in our back yard, we had burned up grass. There was no canopy, no outside time that didn't involve serious sweat, and a whole lot of diesal trucks. I met my best friend there, my husband, and had a whole slew of wonderful experiences but my heart longed for nature.

I suppose that's why I longed to raise my children in Seattle. It's so undeniably gorgeous here. How could you not see God in this picture?



I believe we are called to be stewards of the environment we live in, to leave the earth better than we left it. I guess maybe it's in my genes to be drawn to the soil, to want to plant, to long for all things green. It's probably part of why I went green recently.




Whether you buy into climate change or not, it's an American car, a hybrid, gets amazing gas mileage, and is my little piece of contributing to the economy. I'll be going green all summer long, enjoying the view our God of nature has provided.

The F word

No, no, not that word. I'll explain in a moment.

Last week my little guy had a meltdown at school. He was doing a math paper and kept making a mistake. He started crying and then went and hid in the coat room. The principal was called and he went to her office. He managed to eventually calm down and do the paper correctly after about a half hour. When I got a chance to talk to him that day he told me he was a failure, a loser, and stupid.

My heart just breaks when I hear those words.

From a kindergartener.

I cuddled him close and explained I'm not very good at math either. He looked delighted and said, "You're not?" Nope. And somehow I'm still okay in the world despite my B- in college algebra. I still stand by my opinion that algebra really is pointless (sorry math fans). I wondered inside, "Why is he taking this so hard? Why isn't he getting over it quickly?"

Ahhh, the apple doesn't fall so far from the tree.

This weekend, I made a mistake in my radio job and got a phone call about it where I was told quite firmly that there was zero room for error. Like my son I wanted to go hide in the closet and cry. Why is it that those negative feelings can feel like they are put on with super glue? The whole rest of the weekend I worried about how to be perfect when I'm so....human and imperfect?

I cling to grace and the words of Jesus, "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing. Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith? And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you" (Luke 12:22-31).

In the time we are in, with the economic struggles many of us face, I have this verse front and center. Every time I want to hide in the closet, I say those words out loud. And I sing them to my son. And very quickly the worry washes away.

Locks of Love

I don't do a lot of posts about how great my kids are, well, because I think everyone believes their own kids are great. Or, that's my hope. But there are some moments in life where you really believe that your child is pretty amazing. That nanosecond where you know that the decisions you've made as a parent, some of them were good and made a difference.

My daughter, E, decided cut her hair for Locks of Love. You take of 10 inches of hair, and donate it to the organization, who use it to make wigs for kids who have cancer. It's one thing for me to want her to do it, it's another for her to cut off hair she loves to do something good.

I'm such a proud Mom right now.

Here are the pictures.